sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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