Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
