When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
