I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
