Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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