You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
