I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize
