I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
