I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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