So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
