Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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