i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
