we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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