guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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