I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
