I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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