I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize
