do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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