just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
FUCK WHALES
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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