We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
