now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
