I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
You can't special order awesome
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
