We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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