I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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