i may or may not be watching the land before time
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
