She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
