I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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