As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
