you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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