just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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