Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm getting married
To pizza
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
