She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
