You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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