My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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