Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
