A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
