I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
