there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
