All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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