Don't make out with my wife yet
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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