my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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