John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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