I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
