She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
