when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
