Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
