Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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