Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
