Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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