it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
