I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
